Sorrow, Apologies, Heroes...

So I just finished reading my last post on here and am struggling to realize that it was 6 months ago almost to the day. So much has happened in my life and this post may end up being more of a roller coaster or popcorn type entry than any I have ever written. I remember July 11th vaguely now. The impression of the lock-in and the students desire to worship God that night still resonate in my mind and heart. What happened 3 days later shook the very foundation of my world! I have talked publicly about July 14th with my students and friends at church several times since that day, but this is the first time I have ever written about it. I expect that in my writing it will be more emotional and deeper expressions of pain will come out...it is always easier to write what I am feeling than it is to put sound and word spoken out loud to them. Even as I am sitting here, so early in the morning, I am finding it hard to express all that I have felt in the last six months. On July 14th, 2009, my father-in-law and my great friend, died of a heart attack while in Houston, Texas on business. It was a shock for all of us and the months since have been difficult as we as a family have gone through the grief that has resulted from this. One day my world was going great, life was good, I was exhausted from the constant running and working but was feeling satisfied in knowing it was all for the will of my great and awesome God. My students were listening for His voice and living out His will for their lives, our church was riding the wave of a great VBS week and even though the physical exhaustion was catching up with me, I had a sense of peace and strength that only comes from knowing Him. There were personal issues at the time I was working through, juggling a family and work, struggling to be the husband I know my wife deserves and God demands I be were hurdles I was/am constantly working on. I went to bed early that night, needing the rest and wanting to avoid the day's disappointments only to be awoken by the call I never wanted to get... The next week or so is a blur and filled with little sleep and lots of pent-up emotion as I tried to hold it together for my wife and her family. He wasn't just my father-in-law, he was my friend. He taught me about cars, he bought my golf clubs and was my 'golfing buddy', we won bowling leagues together, and he was a huge supporter even when he didn't understand some of my decisions. I miss him...there are days when I am sitting around and something funny comes to mind or I hear a joke or something and I pick up my phone to call and tell him and it doesn't hit me until I try to speed dial his mobile that I realize he won't answer. He always helped me with 'projects' around the house. We joked that whatever do-it-yourself job we saw on tv that took the 'professional' an hour to do that we could easily 'do it' in 3 times that amount of time! Now, I look around my house and see the things that need to be done and I can't bring myself to do them because he's not here to help me. The fall was tough as I retreated into myself some and the issues of life seemed like huge boulders crashing down on top of me. Personal things I'm not ready to share became all-encompassing and time consuming and yet the day-to-day grind kept on. I let my students down and didn't 'handle' some of their issues very well. The holidays finally came and as expected they were tough. My schedule, no matter how hard I tried to keep it simple, became complicated from October on and when Christmas finally came and went, there was a relief I don't think I have felt in 6 months. New Years has brought an end to the toughest year of my life. As I look forward, because at this point, it is all I can do! I am relishing the thought of a new beginning, a new start, a fresh approach to what this year may bring. It may bring more sorrow, it may bring more joy...I don't know. Today, Mark McGwire apologized for using steroids and I really couldn't care less as to why he chose to use them during his career. I understand his angst in revealing this burden he has carried for so long and know that in time, his burden of that will diminish and he will be able to 'enjoy' life as he has longed to since he retired. I found it frustrating that so many journalists and such still want to vilify him over even now his admittance and apology. I guess they don't understand what I do, and that even though his apology is not about himself and I believe he is truly regretful for what he has done and this is an attempt to ask for forgiveness and make amends for his bad decisions...this really is about how his burden became so heavy about the issue that only him coming clean and apologizing would allow him to find the peace in himself that he has longed for since this all began. Is he a bad man? Should everything he did in baseball be thrown out or marked with an asterisk? Who cares? I will remember the home runs and the excitement he brought me when I followed the home run chase in '98, but for me they don't define the man that he is. Today, he defined it for me by facing his demons and confessing his 'sins' and for that I am ok. Today, he was the man I always thought he was and for that I am thankful. I guess it is not surprising to me that the media types will be upset and less than accepting...we know they never make mistakes and that when they do, the most you get out of them is a 'correction or retraction' in a small corner of their publication on a page few seldom read or even notice. They place these larger than life sport and celebrity figures up on pedestals, only to seemingly revel in their imminent, eventual demise. I am glad I don't need the media to tell me who my heroes should be, I know who they are...men that are willing to live life seeking His plan and will, men not afraid to admit they have made mistakes and ask forgiveness for those transgressions knowing our Father is faithful and just to forgive. My heroes have nicknames and tell jokes and love their wives and families and God. They help others in need, not to feel better about themselves but to help those in need feel better! They are men of integrity and silent strength, and determination. They above all, know that crying is not a sign of weakness but of sincere emotion given from God. Their faith defines them and that faith resides in the creator of all things, the one who lived and died for each one of us and in whose approval and opinion they are only concerned. I only hope I too can live up to that expectation, to be that kind of man, that kind of hero. I know that through Him, he has gotten me this far and only through Him, will I become what He wants me to be.